Time Divided

As I write this, I find myself entering the most emotionally challenging week of every year. July 1^st was the day we lost my mom and July 8^th celebrates the day she entered this world.

There are moments which impact our lives in such a way, we realize nothing will ever be the same. These moments can be joyous occasions or gut wrenching circumstances. Either way, they both have a way of dividing time into two parts: before and after.

Time is a wild concept. I had my mom for 16 years. There were countless happy times, but also several difficult ones. I now find myself on the other side of that point in my life where I have lived longer without my mom than with her, all while inching my way closer to the same age she was when she passed. What if the next few years were all I had left?

There are reasons for all of us to use as excuses as to why we shouldn’t chase after our dreams or choose joy, but instead of letting the experiences we encounter in our life control us, we can look for the lessons, the part we can take away from the experience and use it to help us grow and live better lives. I know that may sound naïve, too simple. After all, what lesson is there to look for when you come face to face with the experience of death, life’s most anguishing, detrimental heartbreak of them all?

Death amputates a limb of your life.

Max Lucado

There is nothing like death to shake our beliefs to the core and tear us apart. When we experience the death of a loved one, we feel like a piece has been ripped from our soul and we will never be the same. This is true, we will never be the same, but that doesn’t mean we have to become a shell of a person either. We can emerge from grief with a greater zest for life than ever before.

There is nothing that will ever take the place of our loved ones, but we can learn from death. We can grow from death. Death is a reminder of how we must embrace life. Some will say there is nothing good about death, but I believe it is not about death being good, but rather, finding meaning in the lessons death teaches.

Too often, when we lose someone we love, we let that final day define what we remember and share the most.

When people find out that my mom passed away, they usually ask how or what happened. But it isn’t the moment her life ended that defines who she was. I don’t want people that didn’t know her to only learn one tiny piece of information. How she died doesn’t represent how magical she was for 40 years, but for some reason, that seems to be the only part of her life most people are interested in.

When someone shares something as personal as the death of a loved one, try asking, what were they like? Help that person celebrate the life of the one they have lost instead of dwelling on the most horrific memory they have about them.

It ain’t about the numbers chiseled in concrete. It’s how they lived their lives in the dash between. 

Scotty McCreery

July 1, 1962 – July 8, 2003. Those two dates are significant, but they don’t define everything she was. It was the way she spent the time, the person she was in between that matters.

She was kind, and sensitive, with an incredible talent for music. She had a passion for writing and you’d be hard-pressed to find a book she hadn’t read. Tena loved to learn and teach. She had no formal education to do so, but that didn’t stop her from sharing her expansive knowledge with those who appreciated it. She loved with her whole heart and when something tragic happened, she hurt with every fiber of her being. She had dark days, but her soul was filled with light that illuminated any room she entered. Her smile, her laugh, both were contagious if you were lucky enough to be exposed. She changed the lives of countless people, but the life most changed was mine. She taught me lessons that I will forever be grateful for. She loved me with an intensity that I will never know again.

These are the things that matter most. How did you love? How much did you give? When you look back on your life, it’s not about the objects you accumulate, how clean your house was, or what outfit you wore. Life is about the experiences you share and the people you help. What will your dash reveal?

Death does not end a relationship. And death does not end love.

Sheryl Sandberg

In honor of my mother’s life, I will continue to live out mine to the best of my ability and challenge you to do the same.

Mom,

Not a day goes by you don’t cross my mind. Even though I miss you, I try to live my best life in honor of you. With every day God blesses me with, I will look for joy. Maybe not all day, but every day, I will choose joy. The most painful goodbyes are the ones never said and never explained. No matter how hard I try, this week is never easy. Over time, we have continued to heal and build a life around the void created years ago. Letting you go was the hardest thing we ever had to do. You taught me what a precious privilege it is to be alive and it is that lesson that has given me strength to choose joy, not because I am always happy, but because I still have the opportunity to be. I’ll never know why you had to leave so soon, but dwelling on the why won’t bring you back. So, until the day we meet again, I will be grateful for the time I had you here.